In my early 20s I met a man that unlocked my heart entirely. Along with that unlocking came all of the things that locked it up. I let myself breathe with him into a dream we had of a life of wonder and intense, passionate love. He loved me so deeply. He loved women deeply. That was why I had to leave him.
His love for women was corrupted by a thick shadow that plagues our men, our boys. I could feel his passion for the feminine, the soft, the wild, the ridiculous amount of abundant beauty, the pleasure that is a birth right. I could feel his shame in wanting that and not being able to access it without taking it or hurting it. It is easier in the face of trauma induced shame and indoctrination to hurt the thing we want rather than feel all that has kept us from it.
I have experienced this with many men. The abuse, the pushing away, the running from- alongside so much desire to be undone by the full sensation of emotional potency that lets them know they are alive and loved by Her- by me. Yet my entanglements in shame and trauma were the perfect strings to keep weaving the story of pain and separation from true love with these men. Laws of attraction working their magic.
Years went by and he and I remained in one another’s lives through nostalgia, guilt and lots of love because he and I experienced a connection unsurpassed despite the web of pain. We were friends at a distance until 2020 when I said goodbye to our connection and all of the grandiose projections I put upon him of something he could be, and all of the fear he projected upon me because of the radical, soul rendering life I lead. We had not been together for 15 years and still there was this thing- I could feel it gripping both of our lives even though we had both “moved on”.
(There is a poem – I will share in another post- about things in our lives never being done. They just take a new shape.)
I said a clear prayer that if any new energy was to be created, this connection had to die. I wished him well by way of the wind and it was like the cosmos knew what to do. Without drama and the letter I wanted to send being sent, he simply stopped reaching out as though a little bird told him so.
Thing is, my love is unconditional. I practice the art of this embodiment daily as I wrestle with the voices that want to keep jealousy, separation and scarcity alive in me- such a disease. I deeply want everyone I know to fly- to know the love of life I have known, and know everyday because of my willingness to look behind the curtain of life. I have learned to pull back that desire because any projected desire upon another is to display great distrust in their Soul’s perfect intelligence and own natural rhythm in evolution. So I have learned to see the love in all and know that everyone is on their perfect journey.
Anyhow, months went by. I went to Mexico. He sent a message around my bday. I replied. Many more months went by and it was mid July 2021 and I felt a void in the Universe where he used to be. It was around his bday. I got worried that he was gone. I called. “Hey- happy bday”.
He was one sentence into our conversation when he shared he had experienced a seriously traumatic loss in his life. I could hear him and witness him without any entanglement. The death of old ways between us had given rise to a rebirth between us where the unconditional love blossomed. I had true presence with this man without projection of wounds and personalities and only a full heart for a human I shared something beautiful with.
A week ago I guided him through a profoundly healing psychedelic journey. I could witness and not absorb. I could love and not project. He could receive from me without fear, he could feel his feelings and his life and find his soul’s light, he could grieve, we could grieve- 20 years later.
We never know why people come into our lives and tear them open, shatter them and scatter them about – like Osiris, until Isis, until unconditional love and a true death of lies- puts us back together. like Innana rising after being stripped alive and being left to die in the dark, dank truth that there is a greater hand guiding us along.
We collide with one another because from what I have come to know is that the medicine attracts the wound. That the wound, the trauma, is always and only seeking unconditional love in hopes that the two people wound into the interplay of light and dark trying to dance into One spiral of evolutionary magic will be able to see the gift that Love’s hand is granting.
Sometimes that dance doesn’t reveal itself in the moment. Sometimes things need to break apart, take space so that the clarity of being can settle in. Sometimes that never happens between two people because we have ideas of what relationship is supposed to look like, what life is supposed to look like, of timelines that fit our personalities.
Maybe the whole reason I came into his life was for this moment. Because I am the only one he trusts to help him begin his healing work. He is now willing to be undone, to die to his own lies by way of “enough is enough” through pain and heartbreak that has reached its limit. Not that I am some thing that can grant anyone passage back home- but I am somewhat of a salmon.
After our session he gave me these photos he took of me in my early 20s. He has had them all along. I can now look back upon this life with him and everyone, every moment, every heartbreak, with blessing. I see a woman who was and continues to be a catalyst for evolution because I know that everything, everything, everything rises from and is only seeking to LOVE.